Creatively and Emotionally Blocked – Resistance

I utterly feel so blocked and I can’t take it anymore. I get this nagging feeling inside my whole body. Especially in my chest, abdomen and throat. It feels like it’s creeping up on me. It’s the inner need to do something…anything that will create value… I’ve felt this way for a long time and it’s very hard to take action. I find myself super frustrated. I’m not sure what I should do anymore?  I wonder what’s holding me back? I keep pondering everyday? Maybe it is that I don’t like to type. Maybe I feel too hesitant to put my words down because I feel like that will be the be-all-end-all (when you write something and say it you are affirming your beliefs, thoughts and feelings). It’s super frustrating living everyday like this. Argh!!!!!!

I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it. Right now I’ve decided to dictate what I’m writing right now because I do not feel like using my hands to type. It makes me so frustrated, I keep making excuses. I have a voice and there’s so many things that I want to say. I have so many things that I want to express, but I just don’t know where to start.

Where do I start? Where do I begin? I have no idea what I’m really doing with my life anymore. I’ve been so frustrated at the fact that I have struggled making ends meet in combination with frustrations in my love life. This has made me who I am, I know. I feel that this has something to do with my life’s purpose but I’m not exactly sure of what it is.

I would like to begin my Manifesto.

What is most important to me and what I want to see in other people is the full expression of self. People hold themselves back from what they fear the most. I always hate it when people hold back their thoughts and feelings because they are afraid of what other people will think. I think it’s time that we set those preconceived notions aside and honor ourselves for who we really are. It is my belief that we can help each other heal and raise our vibrations to a stronger frequency if we can express ourselves without anxiety and the fear of being judged, persecuted,  and/or criticized.  I’m putting a lot on the line saying this and I know that there are much better ways to express these words and feelings in my head but I’m trying my best.

It is my life’s purpose to inspire people to be the best they can be. We all have a light inside of us that burns brightly. But deep down we hold ourselves back because of past pain, hurt, trauma, drawing too much attention to ourselves, and the fear of rejection. We all want to be loved.

I have chosen to live this life authentically.  I try to be as honest as I can about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. As I have grown older, I know that this either turns people off or makes them feel better. Either way, I know I will find my tribe. I know I can come off abrasive but I’m doing my best to be more tactful. There are so many things in my head that I want to get out, so many stories that I know need to be told. Please bear with me as I try my best to take the initiative to do this. I no longer want to live in fear, self doubt, and pain.

Some people think I should get a therapist, but honestly I think I just need to share my story with others. What’s the point in living if we never share our stories? The stories inside of us can help heal the world.

I believe that everybody has a purpose on this planet.. And that purpose is unique to every one of us. It is not my job to tell you what your purpose is, but I will tell you that you are important. In this game called life, we are all necessary parts that function like a machine. We touch each other’s lives emotionally, spiritually,  and exchange value. Sharing our gifts are like a chain reaction. With every experience we have, we gain knowledge and insight on how to make new decisions that alter our lives and change how we impact others. Which can alter the course of mankind itself.

I cannot let this “music” die inside of me and I know I have to share it with others.  I can’t keep these thoughts all in my head. In order to move my life forward I have to take action and start expressing myself, through every medium possible. I have to find my voice. As I sit here and I now dictate, type, and edit. I feel like I’m going through excruciating pain just to get these words out. I’m finding an immense resistance from my own being that is fighting within me and pulsating with aggression. It’s trying to hold me back from doing this. I know I have to fight it. If I don’t it will be the death of me.

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